The Cleansing of Arden, Part I

[Ithildir Hawk-eye]

As he stood silently in the great hall of his fathers, Felthar could not believe what had taken place in the space of a few short, and terrifying weeks. The loss of his father, the murder of his family, and his encounter with…. Evil.

One month ago, the Queen of Athel Loren had requested that Findecano Arhain, Felthar’s father, to lead an incursion to the Forest of Arden in the lands of the Bretonni. The purpose being to cleanse the said forest of Cyanthir the Corruptor and his twisted minions. Highborn Arhain reluctantly accepted, for although he knew his fate would be the same as the one that several other Highborns before him had met, a horrible mutation to one of Morghur’s followers, he would absolutely not disobey a direct request from her majesty Queen Ariel. So, he and the kinbands under his jurisdiction left dejectedly, but immediately for the Forest of Arden.

The spellsingers spoke to the trees and aided the concealment of the Asrai host from and Brettonians along their route. Traveling northwest, their encounters with peasants were non-existent, and the local populaces suspected almost nothing, except for the shortage of game wherever the elven host passed by. They were even forced to resist aiding a battling Brettonian army against the foul greenskins, but the Queen had given explicit instructions to remain concealed and make all haste to Arden.

The elven host finally reached the forest, and once within sight of its branches, nearly all of the elves began to weep as they silently marched towards the corrupted boughs. The outside looked absolutely natural, even beautiful, but the elves could easily see beneath the outer bark and into the hearts of the trees, whose spirits, although not nearly as complex as those in Athel Loren, were still real, and they were filled with corruption and agony.

The elves made their camp on the southern fringes of the forest, and sentries were pitched as the night came on, the sun casting its last crimson rays onto the trees before dipping below the horizon. No fires burned, for the summer air was warm, and the spites who had traveled with the elves came out and flitted about with a soft, glowing light. Sentinels took up their posts, and rotated every other hour until dawn.

Dawn brought silence. The forest was quiet, and an evil malice hung in the air. This was to be the norm as the Kinband of Arhain found marching through the forest. No birds, no insects, not even a light breeze gusted through the trees. The elves trudged on through the dreary forest as the waywatchers infiltrated into the undergrowth, and scouts forged ahead. An ever-growing weight seemed to perch itself on the shoulders of every elf as the sun passed from in front of the elves to behind the elves.

Soon, however, after a couple more days of marching and minor skirmishes, there was no more sunlight to be had, as the canopy had grown too thick, and the only illumination was made by great shafts of light shining through gaps in the leaves, illuminated tiny dust motes hanging in the air above the ground. As the Asrai began to make camp, some of the scouts reported back to Findecano. They reported that they had found the first of what was sure to be many of several herdstones in a glade not one mile more into the forest. Findecano opted to give the troops another nights rest before toppling the beastmen monolith.

This proved to be a costly mistake.

Striking out almost undetected out of the undergrowth, the beastmen ambushed the camp at midnight with an overwhelming force of twisted beastmen from Cyanthir. Spellsingers had no time to raise the spirits of the forest, and the army had little time to prepare. They were lucky to have even that, for the army was warned by chased waywatchers two minutes before the beastmen attacked.

The elves were massacared. The beastmen forces had ample time beforehand to surround and crush the kinband of Findecano Arhain while some Asrai were still rousing themselves from their beds. The wood elves fought bravely, but they were eventually reduced to the handful of Eternal Guard protecting Highborn Findecano Arhain and his family.

The beastmen made a large circle around the elven family. Their unruly ranks stepped back, and they lowered their weapons. The beastmen then parted, and Cyanthir himself came into the circle, bearing a stench on the outside of uncleanliness, and a sight from the inside the elves knew to be pure evil.

Seeing their hated enemy, the eternal guard sprang forward, yelling their warcry. Cyanthir's feral expression turned even more savage, and with one sweep of his mutaded arm, he forced the sylvan warriors to back away.

The corrupter then pointed a single finger at Findecanos warriors, who immediately fell to the ground screaming in agony, multicolored fire erupting from their eyes, hands, hearts and feet. They mutated into an elven likeness of the other creatures which surround the family of house Arhain, and they got up and joined the ranks of their new kin. The corruptor then spoke, in a deep, changing, rasping voice.

“Ariel sends her pitful weaklings to defeat the might of Cyanthir? How typical of your Queen. Sending someone else to do her dirty work. You whelps could not even take my minions in a real battle let alone being ambushed while sleeping. So much for heightened elven awareness. You should be punished for your lack of knowledge.”

With that, Cyanthir waved his hand in the direction of Findecano, whose eyes immediately glowed red, and his expression hardened into one of corrupted servitude.

“Now, I shall teach you first hand how to truly fight, and truly win, whelp. In doing this while you are my slave, I shall enjoy feeling how your feeble mind struggles against my magical might. I will torture you with visions of your precious forest corrupted and overrun, of your family being murdered while you stand on the sidelines, watching and uncaring, visions of your faerie queen and hunter king die and never return. For this is the best way to fight, elf. And the most pleasurable. Learn well."

After this statement, Cyanthir turned to Felthar’s mother, who immediately slipped something very heavy into Felthar’s robes, uttering an incantation under her breath. The corrupter howled with rage and lunged towards Felthar, but in that instant, the forest in front of Felthar shifted into that of the great roots of the young elf’s home, after which Felthar promptly dropped to the floor, hitting his head.

Stars exploded in front of young Felthar’s eyes, catapulting his mind into blackness.

Opinions, thoughts and advice?

Regards,
Ithildir Hawk-eye

[Upyr]

Nice story! I do find it inprobable to say the least that Ariel would send out a kinband like that. Partly because its suicide and partly because there is no real reason. Since he cant be killed entirely, its wiser to wait until he attacks Loren before destroying him.

But that aside, I like it. I can sense the Darth vs Luke drama building up

[Gounta]

It wasnt allout suicide,if this story goes along with the remark in the WE timeline then the reason for the attack is simply ,to destroy the corruptor before he regains his strenght,although this failed utterly and that kindred was destroyed completely. We'll be seeing more of those kinds of operations ordered by Ariel.

In all nice story,I'll be waiting eagerly for the next part of it

Although abit dissapointed in that the WE was taken by surprise from Beastmens,they did come to that forest for a disstinct cause to kill the curroptor and his minions,think that they would have some more preperations in order especially during the night...

But you're the writer so it your call how your own story turns out:)
And as mentioned earlier looking forward for the rest of it.

[davidvc04]

Suggestions are in bold. You brought out the writing teacher in me. Please don't boot me from the forum!

As he stood silently in the great hall of his fathers, Felthar could not believe what had taken place in the space of a few short(nix the comma) and terrifying weeks. The loss of his father, the murder of his family, and his encounter with, what else could he think, evill.

One month earlier, the Queen of Athel Loren had requested that Findecano Arhain, Felthar’s father, to CUT "to"lead an incursion to the Forest of Arden in the lands of the Bretonni. (FRAGMENT The purpose being to cleanse the said forest of Cyanthir the Corruptor and his twisted minions COMBINE WITH PREVIOUS SENTENCE). Highborn Arhain reluctantly accepted, for although he knew his fate would be the same as the one that several other Highborns before him had met, a horrible mutation to one of Morghur’s followers, he would never disobey a direct request from her majesty Queen Ariel (sounds like Brettoni-talk--got anything more elfy?). So, he and the kinbands under his jurisdiction left dejectedly, but immediately for the Forest of Arden.

The spellsingers spoke to the trees and concealed the Asrai host from and Brettonians along their route. Traveling northwest, their encounters with peasants were non-existent, and the local populaces suspected almost nothing, except for the shortage of game wherever the elven host passed by. They were even forced to resist aiding a battling Brettonian army against the foul greenskins, but the Queen had given explicit instructions to remain concealed and make all haste to Arden.

The elven host finally reached the forest, and once within sight of its branches, they wept as they silently marched towards the corrupted boughs. The outside (of what?) looked absolutely natural, even beautiful, but the elves could easily see beneath the outer bark and into the hearts of the trees, whose spirits, although not nearly as complex as those in Athel Loren, were still real, and they (who? the elves or the trees? ambiguous wording) were filled with corruption and agony.

The elves made their camp on the southern fringes of the forest, and sentries were pitched as the night came on, the sun casting its last crimson rays onto the trees before dipping below the horizon. No fires burned, for the summer air was warm, and the spites who had traveled with the elves came out and flitted about with a soft, glowing light. Sentinels took up their posts, and rotated every other hour until dawn.

Dawn brought silence. The forest was quiet, and an evil malice hung in the air. This was (weak construction: avoid PRONOUN + Be verb) to be the norm as the Kinband of Arhain found marching through the forest. No birds, no insects, not even a light breeze gusted (light breezes never gust) through the trees. The elves trudged on through the dreary forest as the waywatchers infiltrated into the undergrowth, and scouts forged ahead. An ever-growing weight seemed to perch itself on the shoulders of every elf as the sun passed from in front of the elves to behind the elves.

Soon, however, after a couple more days of marching and minor skirmishes, there was (again, weak...why not, "No sunlight penetrated the thick canopy"?)no more sunlight to be had, as the canopy had grown too thick, and the only illumination was made by great shafts of light shining through gaps in the leaves, illuminated tiny dust motes hanging in the air above the ground. As the Asrai began to make camp, some of the scouts reported back to Findecano. They reported that they had found the first of what was sure to be many of several herdstones in a glade not one mile more into the forest. Findecano opted to give the troops another nights rest before toppling the beastmen monolith.

(Okay, I have problems with the last paragraph. First off, be exact: not a couple of days, but two days, or three, or whatever. Just something exact. Second, minor skirmishes?! That's interesting. You'll make your readers curious but without any payoff for them. I'd cut it. Next, you say, there's no sunlight because of the thick canopy, except for these big shafts of light. That's a contradiction. After this, why "some scouts"? Why not, "the scouts Laurel and Hardy" or whatever cool names you want to give them? After that, just say, "They had found..." instead of "They reported that they had found." We know they're reporting. What else would they be doing?)

This proved to be a costly mistake. (Avoid be verbs. Just use, "This proved a costly mistake.")

Striking out almost undetected from (too many outs) the undergrowth, an overwhelming force of twisted and screeching beastmen from Cyanthir ambushed the camp at midnight. Spellsingers had no time to raise the spirits of the forest, and the army had little time to prepare. They were lucky to have even that, for the army was warned by chased waywatchers two minutes before the beastmen attacked.

The elves were massacared. The beastmen forces had ample time beforehand to surround and crush the kinband of Findecano Arhain while some Asrai were still rousing themselves from their beds. The wood elves fought bravely, but they were nonetheless reduced to the handful of Eternal Guard protecting Highborn Findecano Arhain and his family.

The beastmen made a large circle around the elven family. Their unruly ranks stepped back, and they lowered their weapons. The beastmen then parted, and Cyanthir himself came into the circle, bearing a stench on the outside of uncleanliness, and a sight from the inside the elves knew to be pure evil.

Seeing their hated enemy, the eternal guard sprang forward, yelling their warcry. Cyanthir's feral expression turned even more savage, and with one sweep of his mutated arm, he forced the sylvan warriors to back away.

The corrupter then pointed a single finger at Findecano(')s warriors, who immediately fell to the ground screaming in agony, multicolored fire erupting from their eyes, hands, hearts and feet. They mutated into an elven likeness of the other creatures which surround the family of house Arhain, before rising up and joining the ranks of their new kin. The corruptor then spoke, in a deep, changing, rasping voice.

[davidvc04]

I think it's a cool story, and I envy your writing. Despite my suggestions, I don't claim any writing skill of my own, at least not when it comes to narratives. Essays are my strength. However, I've had lots of experience editing, and I read fiendishly. My point is, I'm not trying to "red-ink" your story. I like it and think some minor improvements in the prose would add some punch to the sense of action.

[Mornar Shethurith]

@ Davidvc04

A good number of your corrections are simply modifying the author's writing style, rather than recognizing actual error on the writer's part. Plus, I don't think your first edit is grammatically correct.

@ Ithildir

I was able to enjoy reading it though I knew nothing about wood elves. Everything was concise and to the point, though I think there was some room for specifics. Maybe try explaining the character's personal thoughts more deeply, rather than just relating the event.

[davidvc04]

@ Davidvc04

A good number of your corrections are simply modifying the author's writing style, rather than recognizing actual error on the writer's part. Plus, I don't think your first edit is grammatically correct.

The grammar is correct, if you are referring to the comma. Second, is prose style not important? Can't you refer to countless guides on prose style alone? What about Strunk and White's Elements of Style? I took it upon myself to make suggestions that would improve the prose, in my opinion, and leave alone the story's imaginative content.

[Mornar Shethurith]

I took it upon myself to make suggestions that would improve the prose, in my opinion, and leave alone the story's imaginative content.

Ah, there you are: "In my opinion." There's nothing wrong with your opinion...but it certainly is up to the author whether he takes the suggestion or not.

And your first correction read: "The loss of his father, the murder of his family, and his encounter with, what else could he think, evil."

While we are talking about style, it is my opinion that this sentence does not flow well. It is not opinion, however, it is fact, that this doesn't make sense. Its a fragment, for one thing: The loss of ---, the murder of---, and, ---, evil. (---'s signify words I deleted to shorten it and expose the incomplete thought.) It would make much more sense to say:

"As he stood silently in the great hall of his fathers, Felthar could not believe what had taken place in the space of a few short and terrifying weeks: (colon) the loss of his father, the murder of his family, and his encounter with evil."

This not only absorbs the fragment, but cleans up cluttered thoughts floating around.

[davidvc04]

Professional writers use fragments. They use them sparingly, but they do use them. That's not the issue.

Yes, I admit freely that my statements were my opinion. I also would argue that they are an opinion with which many would agree. Will Ithildir Hawk-eye? That's up to him. I prefaced my comments with the statement that they were suggestions.

And for the record, I like your version of the sentence.

But now I feel bad. Hijacking Ithildir Hawk-eye's post to bicker. It's quite unbecoming of us both. My apologies to you, Ithildir Hawk-eye.

[Mornar Shethurith]

I'm sorry as well; I'm afraid I get a bit hot under the collar about this sort of thing. Though, I think we're the only two still active in this thread. B)